October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. According to statistics, 1 in 4 women experience pregnancy or infant loss in their pregnancy story. Unfortunately for me, two years ago I became that 1 of 4 women. Though it’s taken me lots of time and a conscious effort, I’ve slowly pieced my life back together and now live daily in what I like to call a new normal. Since the daughter I lost lived for a short, yet beautiful 8 hours, I’ve chosen to share with you 8 lessons I learned after losing her. I hope to give a glimmer of hope to any loss mama out there that is struggling to find peace in her pregnancy story.

1. You are not alone.

I lost my first child, a daughter, after an unexpected premature birth at just 24 weeks. I was more than halfway through an otherwise completely healthy pregnancy. After the loss, I was numb beyond words. I was angry and filled with unimaginable grief. Questions that flooded my mind were what had I done wrong to cause this, why had this happened to me and my husband, and why was I the only person in my circle of friends and family to lose a child? The truths to these questions were I hadn’t done anything wrong, lots of couples lose babies, and surprisingly I actually wasn’t the only person in my circle to lose a child. I learned quickly that lots of women had gone through this heart wrenching experience. So, if you’re feeling alone, know that you definitely are not, mama! More than likely at least one friend or woman in your family will share with you her own personal story of loss that you probably never even knew about. If you happen to not have friends or family that share their experiences, you can join online communities that are dedicated specifically to women who have lost babies. You can also use your local resources to connect with a hospital’s group for loss moms where they all talk about their pregnancy stories and bond over healing. There is just something to be said about being able to connect with a tribe of women who get what you are going through and can offer pregnancy loss support.

2. You should be gentle with yourself.

I was on cloud nine and everything was going perfect in my life until I lost my daughter. Not only was I emotionally a complete wreck, I was in the most vulnerable and unstable mental state I had ever been in my life. The simple task of getting out of bed alone was grueling. I eased myself back into my daily routine by doing things first in small increments then gradually increasing to get myself back to where I once was. If you’re feeling like you’re moving in slow motion, know that the loss of a child is the greatest loss you can ever have to endure. You will need to literally take it one day at a time. Don’t rush the healing /grieving process and take as much care of yourself as you possibly can.

3. It is totally fine for you to distance yourself from things and people that make you uncomfortable.

After I lost my daughter, it seemed like pregnant women and babies popped up all over the place. In the grocery store, at the gas station, and at work! Not that I wished ill on anyone, but the last thing I wanted to see or hear about was someone’s baby belly or someone’s child(ren). I felt a bit guilty about it at first, but as time passed I honored the fact that those were MY feelings and I had a right to stay away from my triggers. I had just been through hell! I lost a baby, and unless someone knew like I did how it felt to sign papers for a birth certificate and pick a funeral home for your lifeless newborn in the same 3 minutes, I didn’t even want to hear their opinion. Those that love you and are supportive of your feelings will get it. Others won’t, and that’s ok too. A close friend of mine got pregnant around the time of my loss and had a baby shower that I didn’t attend. She totally understood the reasons for my decline to her invitation and we’re still friends. Be true to your feelings because you’re entitled to them. If you don’t feel like doing something then don’t!

4. Folks who haven’t been in your shoes probably won’t get it.

There will be people who may make comments about your loss, trying to be helpful, but they will unknowingly fail. You may hear something like “Oh, you can have another baby!” The thing about a comment like this is that no one should confidently tell a loss mom that she can just have another baby. The reality they miss is that maybe she can’t. Unless they know the details and circumstances around her pregnancy loss story, they really have no idea. Second, even if she can have another baby, one baby is NEVER a replacement for another. At the end of the day, having another baby is totally irrelevant to the loss. My responses to comments like these varied depending on how I felt at the time. Sometimes I corrected people on their comments and other times I just didn’t respond at all because I was drained. By all means, if you don’t like what someone is saying tell them!

5. Counseling will help.

I got to a point in my grief when I just couldn’t take it anymore. All I could do was cry day in and day out. I knew I had to talk to someone so I began seeing a counselor. After beginning individual therapy sessions I was able to identify the origin of my anxiety and started to make sense of my loss in my own way. Not only did the therapy help me through my grief, but it also allowed me to learn ways to restructure my life and even begin to think about a second pregnancy at some point. If you have never been to counseling, or you think it won’t help, I would challenge you to try it. There is no shame in getting help when you need it. The need for mental health is real, and we often neglect our mental, and focus too much on our physical. If you’re feeling like you need to see someone, go do it!

6. You should do whatever you want to remember your baby.

After I lost my daughter, one of the main things I wanted to make sure of was that she was never forgotten. It was important to me to always think of her, speak of her, and keep her included in my daily life as much as I could. My husband and I agreed to make it a tradition to buy a cake and balloon each year on her birthday. We also purchased a beautiful silver bell ornament, engraved with her name, that we place on our Christmas tree each year. Since I can’t hold her in my arms, I keep her close to my heart by often wearing a necklace with a charm that has the first initial of her name. In doing these things, it gives me comfort in embracing my pregnancy story, remembering our daughter, and always keeps her as part of our lives. Lots of women run races, join community affinity groups, and even start foundations and scholarships in remembrance of their lost babies. Whatever it is you want to do for your baby, do it!

7. You can’t put an expiration date on your grief.

There was a point when I was constantly looking for the date and time that the pain of my loss would end. I still haven’t found it. Some women I know lost babies 20 plus years ago and still shed tears for that child. What I have found is that the initial shock of the pain passes, but the pain itself always lingers. The truth of it all is that I lost a baby that I loved from the moment I knew I was pregnant, and the hurt of never getting to know her will always remain. I will always wonder about the little girl she would have been and the woman she could have become. What I do know is that I can move forward in my life always remembering her, making sure others know about her, and living every day by keeping her memory alive. We all want that magic pill that will make the pain go away, but sadly it just doesn’t exist. We can, however, choose to live every day for our lost babies in a way that will honor them.

8. Your life will never be the same, but you can learn to live a new normal.

After losing a baby, you will be different. The way you think about life, the way you live your life, and everything in between will be different. I don’t speak the same way, I don’t take things or people for granted, and I cherish every single moment in my life. I went through a time in my grief where I just didn’t want to be a part of this whole “loss moms club”. There was a part of me that just wanted to go back in time and make it all go away. I didn’t want to be someone who even knew what it felt like to lose a baby because it’s so awful, and at times I was even ashamed of being a woman who dealt with pregnancy loss. Now as I look back, I see that there is no shame in losing a baby, but there is bravery and strength. I’ve experienced any parent’s worst fear and I’m still standing. Though I know the experience of losing a child, I also know that I’m so much more than the circumstances I’ve endured. I’m a mother of a beautiful angel baby girl, and an adorable baby boy. I’m a wife, a sister and daughter, a friend, a great cook, an artist, and so much more! I am who I am in spite of my pregnancy loss story, not because of it.

Have you experienced pregnancy loss or infant loss story? If so, what were some lessons you learned? Comment below and share!

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